10 Top Tips for New Foster Parents
Making the decision to becoming a foster parent is an exciting one. It is a decision that is rewarding in so many ways. It is also one that takes incredible commitment, unconditional love, and patience. Here are ten tips that will help all new (and veteran) foster parents as they care for children in crisis in their homes and as part of their families.
1. Time for Yourself
As a foster parent, this will be difficult, as you will be required to take care of a child full time. Along with this, you may also need to care for your own children, as well as your spouse. You may have a full-time job that requires a great deal of your energy, plus there are those other commitments you have, such as church, volunteering, and other organizations you might be involved in. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.
2. Foster Parent Support Groups
There are a number of foster parent support groups and associations across the nation. A few of these organizations may be national ones, while many others are, comprised of foster parent, like you. Either way, you will benefit by being in a support organization, as they will provide you with not only support, but information, fellowship, and important insight that will help you be a better foster parent.
3. Remember to “Be in the Moment”
I imagine that you have the same experiences from time to time. You worry too much about the future. You grow concerned about what has not happened yet. You allow yourself to become overwhelmed with these feelings and these anxieties. Instead, we need to remember to stay in the moment, so to speak, to focus on the here and now, instead of what might happen, of what could be. When we worry about what might happen in the future, we lose the chance and the opportunity to embrace and enjoy what is happening in the present time. When we allow our worries and concerns overwhelm us about future events, we do not allow ourselves to be helpful to those around us in the present moment. As foster parents, we can’t care for, help, teach, and love the children living with our family, children that need us to be with them right now, in the moment, if we are overwhelmed with things we have no control of tomorrow, next week, or next year.
4. Don’t Take it Personally
We need to remember that it isn’t really about us. The child has been abused, neglected, abandoned. There is a reason why the child living in your home has been placed into foster care. He is hurting. It’s not about us. It’s about the child, and his pain. Even when he is yelling at you, “I hate you!” and slamming the door. His anger and emotion may be directed at you, but it’s not truly about you. Instead, his anger and pain comes from someplace else. When your buttons are being pushed, it is important to remember that you are the mature one, you are the adult, you are the parental figure. Resist yelling back, don’t give in to the temptation to respond in anger, no name calling from you. Try to not respond emotionally. Instead, focus on the child’s behavior and not his emotion. Respond to why he is feeling this way, not to the words he may be yelling at you.
5. Let your heart break
You have probably heard the same thing I have heard, over and over again. They tell me, “Dr. John, I couldn’t do what you do. It would hurt too much to give the kids back.” I reassure them that is how it is supposed to be. Our hearts are supposed to break for these children, because that means we are giving them what they need the most; someone to love them with all their heart. Now, there are those who say that you, as a foster parent, should not get too attached. There are those who might suggest to you that they are really not your children. There are even those who might advise you that you need not become too emotionally invested in the children, because they are bound to go back home. The truth, as you most likely know, is the opposite. We do love them as our own, and sure, we also experience feelings of grief and loss when a child leaves, as we examine fully in The Foster Care Survival Guide. Yet, it is healthy for us to become emotionally invested, and to become attached to the children in our home. If we do not become attached, and hold ourselves at arm’s distance, so to speak, and try to protect ourselves, we will not be able to help the ones we are trying to care for
6. Supervision
Foster parents are responsible for the whereabouts, care, and supervision of a foster child at all times. If you, and your fellow foster parent, are employed outside the house, plans for your foster child’s supervision must be determined prior to bringing a foster child into your home. Your child welfare agency will require prior approval for a child’s supervision outside of your home, such as a day care environment.
7. Alone time
When foster parenting becomes too stressful, you, your family, and yo foster child will all feel the effects. Thus, one of the most important reminders for you, as a foster parent, is the fact that you need to take care of yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. If you neglect yourself, your family will suffer as a result. Quite simply, you need to make time for yourself. Finding time for you will not be easy, but it is very essential. Make time to do something you enjoy, and that you find relaxing. Spend time with some friends, perhaps over lunch or dinner. Do not neglect your own personal health; make sure you get plenty of exercise regularly and eat healthy.
8. Documentation
Just as location, location, location are the three most important words for a real estate agent, documentation should ring in the ear of every foster parent. They just might be the three most important words a foster parent needs today. Written documentation can go a long way toward keeping foster parents safe, and even helping protect them from false accusations. Indeed, proper documentation helps to build a credible case and evidence in case your foster home is ever under assessment and investigation. Documentation helps to build a “safety net” around your family, and assists in answering questions related to your foster parenting and foster care home. Proper documentation, as shown in The Foster Parent Documentation Book, should be something that allows you to record information and details of a child’s behavior, emotional status and changes, progress in school in both academics and behavior, medical issues and simply day to day events.
9. Routine
All families have some sort of routine and patterns of behavior that exist within their home. If your family is like my own, your own family has a routine that you follow on a daily or regular basis. This type of routine is important to the well being of your family, and to the functioning of your household. Depending upon the type of household your foster child came from, he may not be familiar with your day to day routine. Indeed, he may come from a home that had no set routine or schedule. Many of my own foster children have come from such a household. Even more, your foster child may have lived in a home where there were no expectations of him, and no rules for him to follow. It is important that you include your foster child into your family, and into your routine. When you do, you will help to give him a sense of belonging, of importance, and of accomplishment.
10. Co-Parenting
For many children in foster care, they come from a long cycle of family members placed in foster care before them. By showing compassion, by reaching out, and by helping birth parents of children in foster care, we not only help them, we also help their children as well. Co-parenting sees the foster parent working alongside the biological parents of the child.
In order to be a successful foster parent, it will take a great deal of training and preparation. The better prepared you are before your first foster child comes to live with you, the easier the transition will be, for both you and your foster child. With these tools, training, and resources at your disposal, you will now be ready to foster a child and help heal a broken heart.
(Excerpted from The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home, by Dr. John DeGarmo)
Dr. John DeGarmo is a TEDx speaker and an international expert in foster care and parenting. Dr. John and his family have been a foster family for over 60 children who have come through their home. He is a consultant to legal firms and foster care agencies, as well as a speaker and trainer on many topics about the foster care system. He is the author of several foster care books, including The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home, and writes for several publications. Dr. John has appeared on Good Morning America, COURT TV, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, PBS, Good Housekeeping, and more. He can be contacted at drjohndegarmo@gmail, through his Facebook page, Dr. John DeGarmo, or at The Foster Care Institute.
