Marriage and Foster Parenting: Making it Work
I looked at the clock and groaned a little to myself when I saw that it was 3:30 AM. I had just arrived back home an hour and a half ago, 2 AM, from a foster parent training seminar I had just conducted in bright, sunny California. The travel back to Georgia, where I live, had been a long one, and I was a little tired. Yet, our newest foster child, a tiny baby, was crying in the next room, and needed feeding. He was only four pounds when he came to us, up two pounds from when he was born, ten weeks premature. When he first arrived at our house late one night in early May, the tiny infant was on a heart monitor, and was so very week and fragile. As he was so very small and premature, he desperately needed to put on some weight and gain strength. Therefore, our little foster baby was up pretty much every hour and a half each night, all night long, letting us know he wanted a bottle.
I had been away from home while in California for a few days, and my wife had seen to all of the child care while I was gone. At the moment, we only had 7 children in the house, and our older children were helping out with the younger ones. Nevertheless, when it came time to feed the little one each night, all night long, my wife was on duty while I was away. Normally, we take turns each night, as we try to split our responsibilities as parents 50/50, or in half. Now, at 3:30 in the morning, my first desire was to sleep, as I had just put my head on the pillow, as I was quite tired from the weekend on the West Coast, and the day’s travel. Yet, I knew that my wife was tired, as well, from her weekend as a single parent. I gladly got out of bed, and fed the infant, and did so again at 5 AM, as well. After all, my wife and I are in this together, and it is a partnership that I do not take for granted. For me, the partnership with my wife is essential in so many ways, and I would not be a good foster parent if not for her.
Sadly, many marriages suffer during the foster process. When you are putting much of your energies and time into your foster child, you may be so drained and exhausted that you soon neglect your spouse. Further complicating this, some foster children are skilled at pitting one parent against the other, bringing some heated and very unproductive arguments to your home. Without a doubt, there are many obstacles that can challenge a healthy marriage when becoming a foster parent. To be sure, being a foster parent will change your life, in so many ways. Therefore, it will be absolutely necessary that you take steps to protect your marriage from any of the slings and arrows that might threaten your foster parenting, and your marriage. Here are some quick tips.
-Commitment from your family.
-Time for your marriage.
-Take time for yourself.
-Communication is key!
-Work together to be in agreement.
-Do not let the children behavior separate the two of you.
-Use resources and find help.
-Finding support in your support groups.
-The opportunity of respite care.
If we do not take care of ourselves, you and I as foster parents, we may very well become filled with anxiety, grow weary, and face burnout. To be sure, I have experienced those feelings, at times, as well. Just recently, when went through a one year stretch of 9 children in my own home, I grappled with my own burn out, which only brought stress to my marriage and to my family. Yet, when I took the steps discussed above, they helped to alleviate much of the stress and anxieties that were on the verge of overwhelming me. When we do take time for ourselves, for our marriage, and our own children, we not only help ourselves and our family, we also help the foster children living in our homes. May you all take time for yourselves and to your marriage, and may you all continue to care for children in need.
Dr. John DeGarmo is a TEDx speaker and an international expert in foster care and parenting. Dr. John and his family have been a foster family for over 60 children who have come through their home. He is a consultant to legal firms and foster care agencies, as well as a speaker and trainer on many topics about the foster care system. He is the author of several foster care books, including The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, Safe, and Stable Home, and writes for several publications. Dr. John has appeared on Good Morning America, COURT TV, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, PBS, Good Housekeeping, and more. He can be contacted at drjohndegarmo@gmail, through his Facebook page, Dr. John DeGarmo, or at The Foster Care Institute.
